I have started and stopped this post several times. I began to wonder if I would ever post it. It ha been therapeutic to write all this down, I just don't know if it makes sense and if I will ever publish it. But here is what I have so far:
I began this blog in April. We were waiting for our Pre Approval to come back from Chung Yi and it was taking FOREVER! I thought I would go crazy. I thought something was wrong with our adoption. Our agency had told it us it would be 2-4 weeks to get the pre-approval. 3 months later we still did not have it. I began to read other people's Taiwan adoption blogs looking for any clue to a realistic timeline. Everyone seemed to be going through different processes. I needed a place to vent so I began this blog.
Now it is July, we finally got that long awaited pre-approval and now we are once again in a holding pattern waiting for a court date. Waiting. Waiting has been the theme of my life for the last 3 years.
When we first moved to Hilton Head we waited until our house sold in California. We waited until Tom could join us in South Carolina. Waiting. We waited for the company to sell. We waited for the money to know if we were keeping the kids in Christian school. Now we are waiting again. A big wait. The biggest wait of our lives. A wait we have absolutely no control over.
God has been trying to teach me faith and patience. Just when I think I have it...I relapse and I get crazy with impatience. How do you balance letting it go and giving it to God with a desire and love for your little girl? I want her home so bad, and yet I have to give it to God. How do you draw the line between impatience to get her home and a mother's desire to hold, comfort and love her child? Is checking my email everyday a sign of lack of faith? I don't think so. Is praying daily that the judge will make a quick decision not relying on God's timing?
So I wrote the above yesterday. After I wrote it, I read it and reread it. And then I realized that as much as I mentally knew that God was in control, and as much as I mentally knew that His timing was perfect, I had never told Him that. I had never said "God, you are in control I relinquish all of this adoption to you." So I did. And I felt it that it was gone. Still there, but not so intense, unhealthy intense, I guess would be more correct.
Well, this morning I did not obsess about getting my email and checking it every time I heard the little buzz notification. When I finally did look at it I couldn't believe my eyes. An email from Kate- we have a court date! I think I cried and the reason I cried was because I realized how great God is. I really can't explain it in words.
I think I will post this now. I don't know if it will make sense to anyone but me. So go ahead and skip it if you want, except this is the end and if you just read it then it is too late to skip it. And don't be surprised if I delete this entry later.
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