A Reality Check

Now that we have been home a month and we are settling into everyday life, (despite the Christmas hoopla) I want to describe what life is like with a new daughter and 4 boys. People who are not in the adoption world have no clue what our reality is. I honestly think that they believe that bringing home an older child is easier than actually having a bio infant. They expect these children to feel lucky and grateful and appreciative. Other people who do have adopted older children seem to dismiss the hard times or else they just gloss over them. I can't believe that everyone who has adopted an older child is experiencing all hearts and rainbows. Perhaps they are afraid of looking like they are in too deep or they don't want to admit that it isn't perfect out of guilt. But in reality, it is hard. Meghan doesn't know that as a "Waiting Child" she should be grateful to be here, that she is lucky and that her life has taken an unbelievable upturn. (Italics are other people's words, not mine). She is 5 and she is normal and she is impatient with her brothers as they are with her. She wants things she can't have and then isn't happy about not getting them. She is just another 5 year old. There is nothing magical about her aura. Yes, when I look at her I am so grateful that she is here and that she is ours and that she is safe and healthy and that she will have a bright future. And I love her so very much. But I do that with all my kids and that doesn't stop the whining, the fighting, the bickering, the disobedience, the assertion of independence. So this post is to address all those comments that I have been getting over the past month about how wonderful everything must be now. Life is not a Disney movie and little forest creatures do not come singing at our window every morning - this is reality.

Now don't get me wrong. I am not complaining about Meghan, adoption, my family or anything. If anything I am complaining about other people's perception of what they think adoption should be. Tom and I knew full well what to expect from the start. We read books, talked to other adoptive families, prayed and educated ourselves. We were and are prepared for whatever comes. And as I say it is hard, it is not too hard, I just don't like it when people think it is easy.

Meghan is a healthy 5 year old girl who had a rough start. She was in 3 different homes (for want of a better word) before she came home to us. First she was with her birth parents for 6 months. I think they were homeless. Then for 2+ years she lived with her aunt. Then she lived in the orphanage. None of these places were ideal, none of these places helped her develop on par with other kids her age. And therefore, today she is delayed in gross motor, fine motor, speech, and emotional areas. The reports also said she was cognitively delayed but we are not seeing any indication of that and neither is her school. I think she just needed individual attention to thrive.

None of her previous environments taught her how to live in a family. She has no life experience. She can't discriminate between the people that it is appropriate to hug and strangers. I know this is a typical orphanage behavior but I really want it to stop. But over the past weeks I have seen her stop talking to strangers. She used to yell hello and wave to strangers in the grocery store, Target, gas station, anywhere public. She' d hug them too if she wasn't sitting in a shopping cart.

When she first came home she couldn't stop turning lights off and on and opening and closing doors (mostly to let the dogs out, then in, then out, then in etc. It drove us crazy so we put locks on the doors!). Her table manners are horrible because no one has ever taught her different. She would run into traffic if we didn't grab her hand. Once she even opened the car door while Tom was driving, thank goodness she was well buckled into her car seat and Ryan was back there with her. We have to watch her like a hawk.

But everyday we take baby steps. Each day she can be out of the room a little bit longer before I go to check on her. She is smart and knows what is expected most of the time. Whether she chooses to obey is another question.

Most of the time she is happy. I haven't seen her grieve for Taiwan at all. A couple of times she has mentioned the orphanage but I don't know what she meant. Was she asking if she was going back or did she want to back? She readily gives hugs and kisses. She tells us all that she loves us.

So anyway, people who aren't familiar with adoption are amazed that she has no fine motor skills, or that she turns on the oven, or puts the phone in the microwave. People don't get it that, yes, chronologically she is 5, and physically she is 5, but in every other way she is more like a 3 or 4 year old.

Another thing that people kept saying to me was how great our Christmas was going to be. How Meghan was going to be so excited and in awe and wonder. People just don't understand that her emotions are not the normal emotions of a "non adopted a month ago from a different country child". Everything has to be slowed down and simplified to keep her from over stimulation and melt downs. It's not like the birds are singing and she is so happy and thankful and well behaved because all her dreams and wishes have come true. But sometimes I think that that is exactly what some people expect. When they ask me "is it wonderful?" I say yes it is wonderful to have her home but it is a lot of work too. Then they look shocked and try to give me advice like, "have you tried to get a Chinese interpreter?" or they tell me the reason why she is hugging that man at the gas station is because she is so affectionate and aren't we happy that she is? And I just smile and say, oh yes that may be.

And then people act like these behaviors and delays are something horrible that we did not expect. Like we didn't do our homework. Or like this is a rare and uncommon problem unique to Meghan. Sometimes, depending on the situation, I explain to them why she acts the way she does, and other times when I am faced with a "Is it wonderful?" question then I just remind myself to keep my mouth shut and smile and say "Yes it is wonderful. You should adopt a 5 year old!"