Today I dropped my 5 year old off at kindergarten. It was a beautiful morning, sunny and 65 degrees. We pulled up to the kindergarten drop off and Meghan unbuckled and grabbed her back pack. As Meghan hopped out of the car she said "Bye Mommy", one quick little wave, then skipped off to her class. The stuff movies are made of.
As I watched my little girl go my heart smiled. Then my blood began to boil. I saw a healthy, intelligent little girl with a new future. I saw a happy child who was becoming adjusted to life in our family. I saw a beautiful little girl who would grow up into a beautiful woman. I saw hope. And I remembered what AIT had told me.
I have not posted about this because, frankly, I have been hoping it would go away. I have been ignoring it but it is a giant elephant in the room that won't be forgotten. I had promised myself on November 19, 2010 that I would never mention this. I had promised that no one would ever know about this. I refused to accept it and I refused to believe it. And it made me sick to my stomach. But I really feel that I need to write about it. The whole point of this blog is to help out families adopting - give them a little insight into what we have dealt with. Not advice, just perspective. And I have friends traveling to Taiwan soon who need to know this. However, I am still cringing as I write this.
On November 19th, 2010, Tom, Meghan and I, along with our Taiwan coordinator and translator, arrived at AIT for our VISA appointment. It took a long time. The people there were not friendly, or personable. Picture a 1960's DMV with bank teller windows behind glass. Kind of like movie theater box offices where you just have that tiny hole at the bottom of the glass to talk to them. At least this is what I am remembering, they don't allow cameras so I can't post a picture and on that day I was somewhat delusional from not eating/sleeping for a few days, not to mention the chaos of an uncontrollable post institutionalized 5 year old.
After a couple of hours of waiting and trying to keep Meghan somewhat civilized they finally called us up. The man behind window #5 told us in a very heavily accented English that we had to sign some papers. What we were signing, he explained, was a waiver saying that we had been informed that Meghan had been given an IQ test and that she was Moderately Mentally Retarded and we still wanted her. What??? Ahh, no. No one ever told us that, yes she had delays, but those words stung me. Never in any of her reports was it mentioned. In fact her delays were attributed to her history not her mental capacity. We never heard about any IQ test. We still haven't seen it. We don't know what she scored. We, of course, signed the papers.
The final decree, which we didn't see until AIT (or maybe the day before but we were too busy to read through it) states that Meghan was Moderately Mentally Retarded. Yesterday Meghan got a 100% on a test at school. This child, who never had written before is writing her name now. She has beginning reading skills and I believe will be reading basic words by summer. Her language is coming in and she understands almost everything we say.
How do you give a 5 year old an IQ test? What type of test did they use? Who administered it? Did they do verbal or non verbal? How do you evaluate a child with attachment issues who won't look you in the eye or answer you if she doesn't feel like it. How do you measure intelligence in a child who has not been exposed to everyday life? How can you test a child who has verbal delays in her own language from neglect and abandonment? It sickens me that she has been labeled. I can't throw away that Final Decree and someday she will want to see it.
Now Meghan has been home 3 months. She is NOT retarded. Not mildly, not moderately. Her teachers think she is smart. She learns her skills as she is taught them. I believe that if we redid that OT evaluation she would score higher now, after 3 weeks, because she has been working on her writing and is understanding more. She is not in any special ed classes. Last week we had a family event and many relatives came totown and met Meghan for the first time. I got many comments on her being smart and intuitive. I guess as the language comes in we will learn more.
So the point of this post is- I don't know what the point of this post is. If you run into any labels, just put them away for now, and continue to love and teach your child and don't worry about it. I am still angry with --Taiwan? AIT? The doctor/social worker whoever administered the test? I don't know who I am angry with. But I do know that I am angry with the label. I wonder how many other poor children are being labeled like this? I do know many other families that have brought home wonderful intelligent children from many countries with this same label. Is it common to just label these children this way- so the parents can't come back later if anything is wrong and claim they didn't know? How many other kids have come home with this label as a dirty little secret that no one talks about?
So now I am going to take a deep breath and post this. I am still debating posting it. I don't want this label to stick in anyone's mind when they meet Meghan. I don't want any family members or friends to have this in the back of their of minds and always be looking for that hint of something wrong. I hate to put it out there but if it helps anyone then it will be worth it. Someday I may delete it.
You wrote your post so eloquently that no one will remember the label, just how wrong it was that it was applied to your wonderful Meghan who is quite obviously not facing those challenges. As a parent about to travel, I personally thank you for deciding to post this information. I don't think Meghan is untypical - I believe there are others dealing with this, perhaps it is a cultural thing? I know when we had our daughters file evaluated by an IA dr. we had some concerns based on how it was worded that the dr. was able to interpret differently for us. Thank you, anyone who may face this kind of surprise in the future will benefit from what you've shared. I even think a an older future Meghan will be proud of how her family handled this.
ReplyDeleteGreat post, Michele! I have heard stories of people changing their minds about children they were in country to adopt based solely on reports from doctors/therapists. I don't know how often it happens, but it's sad. I believe we need to be informed, but we also need to have that element of faith--faith that if God called us to adopt a certain child, He will equip us no matter what a paper might say. Kudos to you for drawing attention to this issue! And way to go, Meghan!
ReplyDeleteHey Michele!
ReplyDeleteI just wanted to let you know that we had to sign the same paper, stating the exact same need when we were at Taiwan to adopt Teagan. I do not remember it having mild or moderate before it, just it saying "mentally retarded". I can totally relate to your feelings. For you and for others who may read this comment, let me tell just a few of things my daughter is doing. She is 3 1/2 and has been home for 2 months.
-On the plane ride home she already understood when we asked her to sit up in English
-At one month she was following two step directions in English
-Before two months home she easily used 25-30 words in correct context
-She understand everything we say in English
-She uses the potty and sometimes she lays back instead of sitting up. If we walk out of the room and she has laid back, she hears us and sits up quickly.
There is no doubt that my daughter is smart. We were not told about an IQ test or anything that she given nor was that term ever used to describe her in other context. At the time I really did not think of it very much because of some of my daughter's other "special needs" it would not have been out of the realm of possibility for there to be cognitive issues. However, we have seen our neurologist here and she told us that she does not see or expect for our daughter to be anything other than normal cognitive functioning and she totally disagreed with what we were told at AIT.
Thank you for sharing this post Michele. You have presented it with the heartfelt fervor of a mother and it is clear that that label will NOT be her label ever again. How indeed do they do an IQ test on a child that young?? Her delays were simply based on her development of a child living in an institution in comparison to a child growing up in a healthy home and family situation. The word "retarded" is harsh, and although it simply means slowly or behind, it has an extremely negative tone. You are your child's advocate and label maker now, thank God!!
ReplyDeleteYou know, I can even see the difference in her photos from when you first had her, to now. I can't explain it, but I can see a difference in her already. Maybe it appears to have gone from more of a desperate look in her eyes, to a more calm, peaceful and confident look. She is a beautiful girl and indeed, from what you've explained on her progress, an intelligent girl!
Michele, I have read your blog a few times. I enjoy reading others thoughts and opinions on adopting from Taiwan. We are an American expat family living in Taiwan and we just adopted a baby boy.
ReplyDeleteFirst of all you are right. Most children coming from orphanages are labeled this way just because of where they are coming from.
I have only lived here a year, but we are submerged in the culture and I have learned a lot over these 12 months. I’ve read a lot and I have just started to understand a bit of the culture. There are so many things about the Chinese culture here that is misinterpreted, because we process things thinking like an American. So many things are done, said and handled extremely opposite to the way Americans would do it.
Education is EVERYTHING. This is all they do, the whole family is invested in their child’s education. Every dime from all generations flows to the son for schooling so he can get a job to support the whole family. Education is what this culture is all about. Period. Kids don’t play here, they just do school all day every day...
Family bloodlines mean a lot. Ancestor worship is extremely important to daily life. You are defined by those things and orphans are just considered poor, unwanted, uneducated/retarded (usually no matter what).
It is not a true evaluation of your daughter. It was most likely stated about her because of where she was coming from and NOT BECAUSE of a real evaluation or an expert medical opinion.
My advice... don’t take this to heart. I am sure it is said about all orphans. The majority of people here don’t have a box for adoption. They are completely confused as to why we adopted our little boy. Every day I get questioned. They don’t understand why someone who already has 3 biological kids would want a Chinese baby. It is such a completely different culture! Anyways, I just had to write and hopefully encourage you.
If I were you I would not waste time thinking on it. You have been blessed with a beautiful daughter! I’m so happy to hear how well she is doing! God Bless!