After 9 months, I am still learning how to parent Meghan.
She got in a little trouble this morning. Not big trouble but enough to get a scolding. Basically I told her she needed to eat her breakfast. I told her that she could not play with her Leapster until after school. I walked out of the room for a few minutes and when I came back she had not eaten a bite and was playing with her Leapster. So I told her she had lost her Leapster until tomorrow and that I was not happy with her choice to disobey me. But I used words that she would be sure to understand.
We continued to get ready for school and as we walked out to the car it dawned on me. When she gets in trouble she thinks that I don't love her. She doesn't understand that I can be mad and still love her. She doesn't understand that my current emotion has no effect on my love for her. Mostly when she gets in trouble she starts to cry. She is not hurt, there is no spanking, but she is crying like she has been smacked. And she says (if it's me who has reprimanded her) "Daddy Loves Me!" and if it is Daddy, then she says "Mommy Loves Me!" All through tears and sniffles and gasps for air. I always say "I love you very much but I don't like it when you ...(fill in the blank)." She always gets very affectionate and lovey when she has been in trouble, like she is trying to earn back our love.
It is so fundamental. Everything has to be brought so far back to basics. I can't treat her like our boys. She can't handle it.
Everything that she should just know, she doesn't. It is so sad. It breaks my heart that she doesn't know how wonderful love is. How do you teach love? You can't. You have to live it and it takes time. Clearly 9 months has not been enough time.
That breaks my heart too - they were never really taught how to be loved. You are right it will take time. One day you will look at her and she will get it.
ReplyDeleteAre you on Facebook? If so, look me up Shannon Jackson McDade.
I am on that some.
Today we are in our 6 month of waiting.... Sigh
I might add...and just when you think they've finally got it, they do something or say something or react in some way that says they still aren't 100% there...and you have to wonder, will they ever be...
ReplyDeleteMy heart goes out to your sweet little one. I'm overwhelmed by how much these little ones have to handle. I was just thinking that my youngest, who just turned 7, is the same age as Trina when we hosted her last summer. Knowing all my little one's insecurities, even with being in a loving family her whole life, I cannot imagine her being sent to a whole different country to live with a family she doesn't know and trying to "impress" them enough, trying to be "lovable" enough that they will want to keep her. I am sure that is what Trina was thinking last summer, and I'm sure it will take time for her as well before she understands our unconditional love for her.
ReplyDeleteMichele, thanks for this post. I will definitely keep this in mind whenever I correct or scold. Katie Grace is too little and too new to express herself even as well as I'm sure Meghan can. So I will remember that she might feel this way. I hate to imagine her feeling this way!
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