Don't Forget The Big Kids...

This one is hard for me to write about. Something occurred a couple of weeks ago that I have been meaning to write about, but I wanted to wait until I could do the topic justice. After reading over this post, I still don't know if I got my point across but I think this one is an important one for people with older children already in the home.



As we began our adoption journey we talked a lot with the kids about it. Each one was excited and happy about the prospect of a new sister. They all have good friends with adopted siblings. Our dear family friends brought home a 6 year old from Russia last year and our boys have watched as she melded with their family. I don't know exactly what kind of story each one of their little minds had put together about adoption but I thought they were aware of what it would be like to add another sibling. My older children had already "moved over" as each new brother was born. We never had any transitional issues as a new brother came into the family. Maybe it was because Ryan was only 16 months when Logan was born. When Griffin was born they were 3 and 2. Adding another sibling was normal to them. Or so I thought.



So I am learning that for an older brother, adding a 5 year old is a whole lot different than adding an infant. And it isn't because 5 year olds get into their stuff or cause disruptions. I think it is because a 5 year old is a person. A person with a personality. With an infant you love the little baby and your love grows as you nurture and care for this little person. The little person doesn't have bad breath, or stick his tongue out at you or put his fingers in his ears when you are talking to him. A five year old comes into the new family with a well developed personality. Unfortunately, sometimes, you just don't like that personality.



Now let me back up. We did not spring this adoption on the boys. This was no surprise. We talked with them a lot and I thought they were pretty prepared. I had educated myself a great deal on attachment and adoption. I knew what to expect and I thought we would have it under control. I thought the kids knew what to expect, and for the most part, they did.



Then I noticed a struggle. My oldest son is 13. He was once described to me as the kindest person. A teacher once told me that she wished she could learn kindness from him. He is a great kid. But he was starting to have a problem with Meghan. He was actually being mean. And the other boys took their cue from him. Things were heading in the wrong direction. On top of it all my oldest son is not a big talker so trying to get him to talk about his feelings was going to be difficult. And my mind reading skills are not always 100% accurate. This went on for about a week and a half until one night out to dinner it dawned on me that he just didn't like her. And, honestly, I really don't blame him because every time we do anything there is always tears and tantrums on her part. She isn't always nice and friendly and is often pouty and disagreeable. She fights us on every little thing. I am shocked when she is compliant.



So I just told him right there at dinner that it was OK if he didn't like her, but he couldn't be mean to her. Then I told him about "fake it till you make it" which in the adoption world sometimes is what you just need to do until the real feelings of attachment and love come. I told him that it was super common to be having these feelings and that adoptive parents often feel this way. The poor kid was relieved. He had been eaten up with guilt and bottling it all up inside for who knows how long. The very next day after I had given him permission not to "like" his sister the relationship changed. He actually picked her up and carried her into the house from the car when she was having trouble getting out. The meanness evaporated. I'm not saying it's all sunshine and rainbows around here but when he is on track the rest of the family seems to fall in line.



So I guess what I'm saying is don't forget your big kids at home. Tom and I had known that love might not come immediately, but the kids didn't. We read so much about attachment in adoption but it is all geared toward the child/parent relationship. It never dawned on me that the siblings needed to feel attached to her as well.

Now, the little ones, they are much more hot and cold with their feelings anyway. They love her and then they hate her and then they love her again and they tell her. They also love each other and then hate each other etc., etc. Typical sibling stuff. It's the strong silent one's that you have to watch out for. Tell your kids about "fake it till you make it." Tell them that they may not love their new sibling right away, and that that is OK. Tell them about your struggles with adoption too. Help them to see the good in their new siblings. Strangers often think that now the new child is home it will all be perfect, I think the kids might think that too. And then when of course it is not perfect, they feel guilty.



I can't even remember how long ago that was when we were out to dinner and this occurred. It had to be at least 3 weeks ago. The meanness is gone. I don't know how long the road is in front of us until Meghan starts to mesh with the family and stops fighting. But at least we are all traveling in the same direction again.