Ok, So here's what I have been thinking about lately. When we first began our adoption I read many blogs. I searched for incites and clues as to the adoption process- hoping to get a definite timeline (ha ha ha). I was indiscriminate as to who was writing the blogs - people adopting babies, people adopting older kids, special needs kids, foster care, Chung Yi, Cathwell, St. Lucy's - etc. etc. etc.
Then I discovered that Taiwan adoption is so different from one adoption to the next. The only real indication of maybe what your timeline will be is to find someone adopting from your agency, the same aged child, living in the same institution/foster care. Pretty impossible.
Well anyway, this search of blogs exposed me to many different people adopting for many different reasons. Our family chose older child adoption because we were not infertile, and we already had children. We did not want to take a baby from a young couple that couldn't have one. We had babies, we wanted to give someone else that wonderful opportunity. People wait years for a baby. I was blessed to raise 4. Also, and more importantly, older children wait. They have been waiting. They have been traumatized by abandonment or relinquishment and they are waiting. It seemed morally wrong for us to wait for a baby to be born and then relinquished when other children were already waiting for a family.
But older children come with baggage. Yes they do. No one said adoption was easy. We did not adopt to build a family but to answer God's call. God doesn't call us to do the easy thing but he equips us to do the hard things.
So here comes the non-politically correct speech. I can't read blogs of people waiting for infants anymore. While I am thrilled when adoption builds a family where biology couldn't- I just can't get on the bandwagon of the "yes we could have biological kids but we wanted to save one first, so we are waiting 2-3 years in a long line for an infant -as young as possible and oh yes, a girl". Trust me, the line wouldn't be 2-3 years long if that infant really needed rescuing. There are plenty of couples racked with years of pain from infertility that would cherish that infant. Maybe I am wrong, but I don't think healthy infants, especially girls, have a problem finding homes. It seems to me, there are many more people waiting for healthy infants than there are actually healthy infants. I am not talking about toddlers waiting in orphanages either, I am talking about babies who aren't even born yet.
Now I get it that a young childless couple wouldn't necessarily want to adopt a 6 year old with baggage. Or a Special Needs baby sitting in a crib in Russia. But those are the children that need rescuing. So ok, get in the line. But don't talk about "rescuing" and how you want to give a child a home that otherwise wouldn't have one. I understand that you want a baby to raise. But I believe in most cases, adoption shouldn't be about what the parents want but instead about what the children need. Somewhere along the way - and I am totally guilty of this myself- adoption became less of a calling from God. When we check boxes as to what we will accept in a child- are we really open to God's provision and placement of a child in our lives? I have to constantly remind myself whenever I get exasperated with Meghan that this is the child God placed in my life and He placed her here for a reason.
However, already having children in the home, we as parents have to think about them too. I believe yes, we do have to weigh various conditions, special needs and our ability to provide the necessary care for all of our children. Keeping the birth order can also be a major consideration- however, I know many adoptive families thriving with non-birth order adoption. And there are plenty of kids out there and right here in the US that are pretty physically healthy and waiting. Many are siblings. What a great way to build a family!
Ok, I am off my soapbox now. Honestly, I do hope that all those who are waiting find their children soon. I always am so happy to hear of a referral or even better -a homecoming! I hope that this post hasn't offended anyone, it was not directed at anyone in particular. I am very nervous about posting this because I know that everyone is led to adoption from a different place. I am thankful that so many families and couples have come forward to love and accept these children. I just think that one day spent waiting in an institution is one day too long. Meghan waited for nearly two years in an institution for a family. Any institution, no matter how clean, safe and well run falls miles short of a happy family. She is such a sweet, smart and happy little girl, but I often wonder what she would be like if we could have come for her the day she began her wait. I have a heart for the children who wait- I hope you do too.
I like this post. You have a big heart for waiting kids. I never thought about adoption from this angle. I just feel every thing is already arranged
ReplyDeleteby God. We are all so lucky under his care!
We could not have children without assistance and chose to not go that route and instead build our family through adoption. During our first adoption, I found it very difficult to read blogs or posts on forums of people who already had bio children and were waiting for referrals. It felt unfair in a way. But it is not for me to say who can and cannot adopt. As long as a child goes to a loving home, that is what matters. So I made my peace with it.
ReplyDeleteWe chose a waiting child for our second adoption. We knew that because he is a boy and was passed up several times for adoption, his chances of adoption would decrease by the month, because people want infants under 1 year. We are so happy we made that decision and know he will get the love, care and attention he needs in our family. As you said, it is about the child in the end. Thank you!
Amen. I also get upset while reading blogs of families that are waiting for NSN infant referrals, and they have several biological children or can have biological children and are choosing to wait for NSN infant adoption... and they rant on and on about how many orphans there are in the world and that they are choosing to make a difference for one. Really? By standing in a three year long line for an infant that have so many childless or fertility challenged families waiting? Adoption is the only way our family can have children. We are so blessed by God with one daughter, and sometimes I feel quite guilty by asking God for just one more child.
ReplyDeleteI love this comment:
ReplyDelete"this is the child God placed in my life and He placed her here for a reason."
I think I may put this statement on my bathroom mirror as a reminder some days!
Love your heart friend!
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ReplyDeleteI can totally see your point of view. I believe that one day in an orphanage is one day too many for a child. But if we think about it when someone adopts a child, regardless of their age, needs, or gender; that is one less child in the system.
ReplyDeleteI think that it is important to encourage those who are willing to grow their families through any type of adoption. It can be a scary and shaky process; one that is filled with unknowns. And if a family adopts an infant, that means the next family who is waiting for an infant will also adopt another child, two less children who are orphans.
We need to be supportive of what families feel they can handle and what God is calling them to do. It is amazing that you have been called to adopt an older child, my husband and I have a heart for special needs. We are praying that God will bring our special child to us. But those are not everyone's callings in life; and more than anything I am blessed to hear that anyone is willing to build their family through adoption and share God's love with those who desperately need it.
Hi Michele!! I have missed you and your family and blog! I'm so glad to be home. :)
ReplyDeleteGreat post and good for conversation!! I totally see your point. You know, I think when many people start the process, they assume there are thousands of babies available for adoption overseas. There are after all, millions of babies without homes. But they are not, sadly, available for adoption.
But it's important that many people don't see themselves as equipped to adopt an "older" or "SN" child right off the bat. My husband was one of them. So he felt that adopting was a great fit for our family, and giving a child a home was something we would like to do, but at first he thought: baby. healthy. Once we had worked our way into the process for a period of time though, reading others stories, we started to learn more, and we agreed on opening up our age and special needs.
But the most important thing is that the family do what they can handle and not feel pressured to go the SN route. They have to be honest with themselves about this. There is nothing worse than a family bringing home a child that they are overwhelmed with, cannot handle or worse do not like. This can go terribly wrong.
You are right though, once you get on the other side, it is heartbreaking to see a beautiful 4-6 year old overlooked because they are too old!!!!