As Adoptive Parents, or Prospective Adoptive Parents we know that there are tons of articles out there about raising your adopted child. I can't tell you how many times I have come across articles titled something like "10 Things You Should Never Say to an Adoptive Parent". Admit it, you have all seen those articles and read them. Ok. I don't care about all those things. If someone asked me how much Megan cost I would rephrase the question and say, "Do you mean how much does an international adoption cost?" And then I would break it down from Orphanage Donations to air fare. I would not assume the worst and I would think that they were asking because they were thinking about adopting. I mean, isn't everybody??? (smirk).
No, those stupid questions do not bother me. Mainly because they are stupid questions. But over and over over I have been faced with the one thing that No One should ever say to an adoptive parent. It happened tonight, and it's happened before and I would pay good money to bet that it will happen again, most likely before the weekend is over.
It's just two little words. Two HORRIBLE words to say in front of an adoptive parent in front of their child, while they are trying to discipline/teach their adoptive child correct behavior. It's the words "It's Ok." NO, it is not ok. If the parent is trying to teach something to a child than to countermand their authority in front of the child is destructive to that relationship. It leaves the parent with two choices: (1) to give in for the sake of not upsetting the outsider and letting your child engage in the behavior. It shows the child that your authority as a parent is not the ultimate authority, or (2) to look like a crazy person and remove your child from the situation pronto, even though everyone is saying "come on, it's no big deal..." If the parent (me) does not want their (my) daughter cheerleading in the restaurant then please respect the parent's (my) authority. By continuing to encourage the child and telling the parent it's ok, it takes away all the authority that we have been working on for so long. Especially when we spent ALL day talking about where it is appropriate to cheer lead and where it is not. You see, my daughter spent the first 5 years of her life without a family. She seeks out all attention from ANYONE. She is getting better but please, when the mother says NO please respect the work we are trying to do with our child and butt out!
Now if only the ignorant people who have no clue about creating attachment and a parent's authority would read this. But sadly, only my enlightened, adoption literate and sensitive blog friends read this. I wish there were some way to teach well intentioned but ignorant and destructive people about what it is really like to raise an adopted child.
Ok, I feel better now. By the way, I chose option (2) and I looked like a crazy person at my son's end of season soccer party tonight.
You are right, something you know but never hurts to hear it again. ;0) If it helps, I try to remember that the people who do that are not trying to subvert my authority, they are just concerned that I'm correcting my child because they think I'm worried about her public behavior and how it affects them, so you are right, they are well intentioned but not as informed, and don't stop to realize the more subtle issues at play. I just say, thank you, but there is a reason you don't understand why this is not ok, most respect a reminder and step back, most.
ReplyDeleteI have an adopted child and a child that is a bio. People do that no matter where or who the child is. It has nothing to do with adoption. I get it with both my kids. I just smile and say thanks and keep telling them "NO". They do not know that you have told your son or daughter two million times do not get up, do not spin and look at the person behind them, etc. I think it is just part of parent life.
ReplyDeleteYes, I would say, it happens with bio kids too. The other party may simply be trying to let you know that your child is not bothering them, as subversive as this may feel. I would just say, "thanks, we are working on some new things". Or maybe just ignore them and continue on with the correction! I totally get where you're coming from though!
ReplyDelete